


I Come With Knives (And Agony)

by Clexahospitalsex



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla (Web Series) RPF
Genre: Assassin - Freeform, Assassin AU, Badass Carmilla, Canon Lesbian Relationship, F/F, F/M, Gay, Lesbians, Other, a lot of killing, also a lot of heartbreak, cool LaF, gay as fuck, it doesn't really have a timezone, maybe like 18/19th century, non-binary, sad angry kirsch, tiny puppy laura
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-20
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-04-05 05:19:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4167450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clexahospitalsex/pseuds/Clexahospitalsex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Camilla loses the only person she really loves. And she makes "a deal with the Devil" to get her back, but falls in love with her target. Assassin!Carmilla with rich puppy Laura. Also: Sad puppy Kirsch who has his own agenda, cool LaF, mother bear Perry, and protective Danny. And a lot of killing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Children and Stars Kiss and Lose Themselves

**Author's Note:**

> This is the prologue and set-up. Historical Assassin fic with some fantasy elements.

The blonde girl fell down before her, blood splattered all around the black haired girls feet. She didn’t want this. This wasn’t her fault, was it? She loved Ell and now she’s lying in front of her. She is still alive, sputtering for a little breath. “Please….” She mutters softly. A tear rolls from Carmilla’s eye. “I’m sorry Ell.”

Ell tries to get some breath. Carmilla leans in and kisses Ell’s lips softly. “I’m so sorry, creampuff.”

“I love you.” Ell mutters under her breath. A tear rolls over Carmilla’s cheek as Ell  breathes out the last fragment of life she still has in her. “I love you too.”

Carmilla looks at her mom. She wants some sign of approval. She finally wants her mother to say she did something good. But Carmilla knows she won’t. She fell in love her target. That’s unacceptable.

Lady Karnstein moves her eyes across the room. She walks to her daughter. “It wasn’t that difficult, was it?”

“No, not when you kill the only person I love.” Carmilla whispers under her breath, still staring at Ell’s body.

Her mom grabs her throat, eyes full of fire. “What did you say, young lady?” She shouts.

Carmilla gets frightened. Old memories fill her mind. A knife on her skin. Her mom’s fiery eyes looking at her from above while she hits Carmilla, over and over again.

She thinks about it for a few seconds and then starts to lose it. “You killed her! You killed the only person I love.” Normally she would make a snarky remark, but not now. When the woman she would marry lies before her, only a shell of her former self.

Lady Karnstein sighs. “You know why I need to do this. Someone hired us. We’re the best guild of assassins in the whole kingdom. We’ can’t lose that image, you silly girl.” She rolls her eyes at Carmilla. If only Carmilla could be more like her brother Will or her sister.

Carm sighs. Her abusive mom, always trying to make her life a hell. Carmilla will never be as good as her siblings.

Lady Karnstein grabs Ell’s body, dragging it with her. She doesn’t handle it respectfully and it agitates Carmilla.

The Lady knows what this is doing to Carmilla and decides to make her angrier. She likes making Carmilla angry. She is better when she’s angry. Killing is always better when you’re angry. She grabs a knife and starts to make little cuts across Ell’s cold skin.

Carmilla screams as tears stream across her face, combining with Ell’s blood. “I’m going to kill you.”

Her mom frowns disappointed. “You know we need to do what our customers tell us.”

Carmilla gets red of rage. “Then why do we need to kill girls? It’s always dead girls.

She sighs. “It’s not only girls, naïve girl. I give you most of the girls because it’s easier to win their trust for a girl like you.

Carm blushes. She knows her mom means her daughters beauty and charm.

Carmilla smiles. “I’m sorry mom. I should never let a girl cloud my judgment.” She smirks a little, quickly pulling a straight face. “You’re right. She was nothing. She needed to die and I don’t care about her.” She became pretty good at lying. That’s what living in a group of killers and liars and acting like you’re an innocent rich little girl does to you. “You’re always right, mother.”

The slamming of a door interrupts them. One of the assassins runs in and hands a letter to Carmilla’s mother. “We have a new hit, milady.”

The woman smiles and grabs it, slowly reading it. Carmilla’s eyes stay fixated on Ell’s body now that her mom doesn’t look at her. She can show weakness now. But never when her mom is looking. Never. It’s too dangerous.

She tries to hold her tears back. They would marry. Carmilla wanted to leave the guild and when she asked her mom… That was the night Lady Karnstein found out. She was furious.

\---

“You fall in love with our target.” She shouted. “You befriend her dad, the reason our man wants us to kill him and then…” She took a breath. “...you ask him for her hand.” She hits Carmilla over and over again. Her face is all red and swollen. “Get the girl.” She shouted to one of her assassins.  That was the last time Carmilla saw that woman really as her mom.

\---

Lady Karnstein slowly rips the letter open. She grabs it and starts reading.

Carm is still looking at her dead fiancé. Her mom slowly walks towards her.

“Carmilla, darling. You have a new job.” She smirks.

Carmilla jumps up. “Another girl?”

Her mom strokes Carmilla’s hair. “Yes, darling. The daughter of one of the richest men in our part of the land. One of his rivals wants us to take out his daughter. She refused his hand in marriage. He’s really angry.”

Carmilla nods. She never understood the people who would buy assassins. They are primarily butt-hurt men. “Oh, someone refused my hand in marriage. Boo hoo hoo.” She whispers to herself. 

She giggles a little at her own joke.

She likes hunting though. And there is only one Ell. Nothing can go wrong this time.

Lady Karnstein’s face lights up. “You can get your weapons downstairs, Carmilla. Good luck.

Carmilla turns around as one of their men brings her a suit. She switches clothes and looks at her mom. “Mother?”

“Yes, Carmilla?”

“What’s her name?’ Carmilla smiles weakly. She will let her rage out on this girl.

Her mom re-reads the letter. “Laura, of Hollis. A weak, little girl. Killing her won’t be difficult.”

Carmilla gets red. “Then why send me?” She shouts. “Normally I take the difficult missions.”  She angrily grabs her black coat and her arsenal of weapons; knives and guns primarily.

Her mom smirks. “But you failed your last mission.”

Carmilla sighs. “I know. I’m sorry mother.”

Her mom pets her daughters head softly. “Good girl, kitty cat. Get the girl.” She smiles.

Carmilla sighs and strokes her clothes.

Lady Karnstein smirks. “I have an offer for you. If you kill this girl, maybe I can bring your stupid girl back to you.” She frowns. “If that makes you happy.”

Carmilla smiles wide. “I will, mother. Leave it to me.” She grabs her hood and throws it over her head. “Our client won’t be disappointed. I won’t be set back. That girl is nothing.”

 

 

Oh… Carmilla doesn’t understand how wrong she is…


	2. Grab my Hand and Lead Me Softly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Camilla gets ready for the "party" and meets the other major players in this "Game of Killing or getting Killed". Among them, her target.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of time so I give you the second chapter already. I really enjoy writing this.

Carmilla is running across the rooftops, until she reaches her destination: Castle Hollis. She’s used to the darkness of the night. She jumps down and walks inside. She grabs a document she has always with her. She grins at one of the guards. “Hey, shithead. Open the gates.”

The guard frowns and readies his sword. “Who are you? Get out.This is a private area.”

Carmilla smirks. She shows the guard the document. She always looks forward to this. “I’m Carmilla. My mother is Lady Karnstein. I have an invitation.” She sees the guard’s expression quickly change.

Everyone is afraid of her mom. And that’s without them knowing Lady Karnstein is actually a witch and the leader of the biggest and least notorious group assassins in this kingdom. Least notorious is actually a good thing when you’re an assassin.

The guard gives her a good look. She is used to this. Carmilla is considered really beautiful so she gets a lot of stares all the time. Especially because she’s also rich and well dressed.

Carm strokes her suit, trying to hide all the bulges from her weapons. Their “Maker” created some stuff to hide them, but it’s still not practical. They’re at least lot smaller thanks to some fluid that will dissolve when mixed with water. _I can’t have undercover missions in the rain._ Carm thinks to herself, smiling a little _._

She gets irritated by the guard and kicks him between the legs. “Can I freaking go? I’m here for the party. Lord Hollis is expecting me.”

The guard leans against the wall, waiting for someone to check the invitation.

Carmilla sighs. “You know my mom?”

The guard nods, shivering at the thought of the scary lady.

Carm grabs one of her knives and points it at the guard. “What’s your name, sir?”

The guard shivers. This girl is almost as scary as her mom (That’s possible…?). “I’m...” He stutters. “I’m Kirsch.”

Carmilla smiles. “Not really a pleasure to meet you, but anyways.” She frowns, sunken in thought.

“Wait… How do you know my mom?” She takes her knife out again.

Kirsch swallows. “Your brother.”

Carmilla brings the knife closer, touching Kirsch’s neck. “What about him?”

Kirsch backs away. “He’s my best friend. Don’t you remember me, babe?”

Carmilla hits him in the stomach. “Wilson, I don’t recognize you when you use your last name.” She grins. “You little shit. Don’t ever check me out again.”

“Will works here as a guard too.” He smiles wide.

Carmilla almost chokes. _Mother, mother, mother. You are so smart. I’m curious who else here is one of your pawns._

Kirsch nods at Carmilla and another, really tall, guard walks towards them.

“Danny!” Kirsch happily shouts. She takes her helmet off, releasing her long ginger hair, and punches Kirsch in the face with the helmet.

She groans, not amused with Kirsch. “What do you want? Who is this? Another one of those rich girls who gets anything they want.”

Kirsch laughs. “Don’t criticize rich girls. We all know you have something for Lady Hollis.”

Carmilla groans. This makes things more complicated. This bear of a guard, Carmilla heard a lot about her, stands between her and the resurrection of her love. She will probably guard Laura with her life.

Danny looks disgusted at Kirsch, although it’s true. “Shut up. Disgusting Zeta.” She whispers that last part to herself, but Kirsch hears.

“Says the Summer guard. Maybe you don’t have a crush on the Lady, but on me.” He laughs at his own joke. Danny looks like she can throw up any minute.

Carmilla gets agitated and slips away, not even getting noticed by the bickering guards. _Childish idiots._ She sighs. _She kind of has missed Kirsch though._

She looks at Kirsch and Danny one more time, Danny repeatedly hitting Kirsch. Kirsch ignores it and plays with the golden ring on his hand. It has a bright pink flower on it, made of crystal. Carmilla frowns. _I know that pink flower. I’ve seen it before. I hate my freaking memory._

\---

She enters the castle, where Lord Hollis is waiting for her. “Young Lady Karnstein, such an honor to meet you finally. I heard a lot about you from your mother.” He bows and kisses Carmilla’s hand. She tries to not look disgusted.

“I’m glad you could come in name of your mother.” He smiles at Carmilla, letting her hand go.

“Couldn’t I stay home and let my brother be the Karnstein’s invitee.” Carm looks disgusted.

“Your brother is younger than you and works for me. You’re your mothers heir.” He shrugs.

Carmilla turns her head, tired of this conversation. Her mom would never make Carmilla her heir. And besides, this guy doesn’t even know Carmilla has an older sibling. If this Laura girl is as stupid as her dad is this will be so easy.

The black-haired girl ignores him and walks towards the hall. “Your room is upstairs. My daughter can show you around.” He shouts after Carmilla.

Carmilla turns around one more time. _He is probably a nice guy if you get to know him. I just hate those rich lords and ladies. They are so pretentious. Just like her mother. Every single one of them is the same. It was a miracle for her to like Ell and her dad._ She shivers at the thought of Ell. She needs to kill this girl and get Ell back.

She walks to her room. She almost falls over something and turns around. Behind her stands a small girl, around Carmilla’s age. Carm sighs. “Can you please be careful the next time? And get taller as soon as possible.”

The girl frowns, feeling insulted. She calls for a few servants and the three of them clean the girl’s dress. “I’m sorry.” The girl mumbles.

“Yeah, sure you are. Who the hell do you think you are?” Carmilla blurs out. It’s difficult to get angry with this girl. She is kind of pretty and reminds Carmilla a lot of Ell. Apart from the length of course.

The girl looks sad. “I’m so sorry, milady. So sorry… It wasn’t my intention.” She mumbles. The girl points to Carmilla to let her servants know they need to do the same to the girl in the suit in front of her.

Carmilla smiles weakly. _This girl is cute. But I’m on a mission. I need to focus. Find Lady Hollis._

Carmilla observes the small girl before her. She wears a long blue dress with flowers. It’s kind of pretty. Normally it would be kind of ugly but Carmilla likes it on the girl.

The girl smiles awkwardly when she realises Carmilla is staring. “Sorry again. I’m Lady Hollis. You can call me Laura.”

Carmilla almost chokes. She groans. “I’m Lady Karnstein. Carmilla for you, kiddie.”

Laura smiles at the nickname. _This girl is hot. Dark, broody, and mysterious, but hot._

Carmilla smiles weakly. “Nice to meet you, Laura.” Carmilla walks away when Laura grabs her hand.

“Want me to show you around the castle?” Laura blushes. Her dad always tells her to not be too eager. It will scare people off. Laura’s thoughts go to Danny. _Of course my thoughts go to Danny. That girl is amazing. She helps me every time I get in trouble._

“Sure, cupcake.” Carmilla looks at the hallway before them. _This castle is huge._

_\---_

She follows the small girl down the hall by her hand. Laura keeps talking about all kind of stuff but Carmilla ignores it mostly.

They enter a room, which consists of two sections. In each section a ginger is working. One is busy with all kind of strange elixirs but also some weird weapons. The girl who is working on some German papers walks to Laura.

She greets the small girl. “Hey, Laura. Who is your friend?”

The other person walks to them. “Yeah, who are you? I’m LaFontaine. So nice to meet you.”

Perry smiles at LaF’s enthusiasm. “I’m Lola Perry. But call me Perry.” She stretches her arm.

Carmilla shakes her hand. “I just heard a lot about you from Laura. And I'm not her friend.” She shrugs.

LaF laughs and turns to Carmilla. “So, I don’t want to be rude… But what are you doing here?”

Carmilla frowns and sighs. “I’m here for the feast. For Lord Hollis his birthday. My mother was busy and wasn’t able to come.” This was always the most difficult part of her job: making connections with people and then breaking their heart, literally or not.

\---

Carmilla leaves after a few hours of drinking expensive wine. LaF, Perry, and Laura are completely wasted while Carmilla can still think straight (Obviously not thinking straight, cause she acted so gay around Laura. Really really gay).

Laura walks with her to her room. Carmilla looks at the dress, seeing some rips in it. _It was indeed a rough night._

She smiles to herself. At least she is getting their trust, especially LaF’s. It looks like they really like Carmilla. Perry is something else. She doesn’t trust Carmilla. And Laura, Laura is hard to read.

Carmilla opens the door to her room and turns around to look at Laura.

Laura blushes. “It’s nice to have someone else my age here."

Carmilla smiles back. “I know what you mean, milady.” She teases her.

Laura kisses Carmilla’s cheek.

Carmilla stares at Laura’s eyes and for a fraction of second she only sees the girl lying in front of her, blood surrounding her. Carmilla with a dagger in her hand and vanishing as quickly as possible, before the guards can get her in the act of killing Laura.

She closes her eyes and opens them again and the image is gone.

Carmilla says nothing to Laura and enters her room, leaving the tiny girl behind in the darkness of the hallway.

Carmilla closes the door and undresses. She throws her suit and coat on a chair and grabs her knives. She sharpens a few of them and smiles to herself.

 

 

_Tomorrow we go in for the kill._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a longer chapter. Still a of lot set-up and foreshadowing. I will make it clear it's not only about Carmilla and Laura. Especially Kirsch has a really big role to play.  
> I like to get feedback.  
> Tumblr: all-my-ships-are-dead


	3. Too Much to Believe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Camilla goes in for her first kill, and her first dance.

Carmilla wakes up at 10 am and gets dressed. She grabs a black dress with a cut at the side, showing her legs. She needs to win the trust of some guards today. And she knows how weak they are for a woman with a skinny figure.

She walks down the hall, on the stairway she sees Laura. “Hey cupcake.” She smiles at the tiny blonde girl before her.

“Oh.. Hey, Lady Karnstein. I didn’t saw you. I’m sorry.”

Carmilla smiles weakly. “Its okay, kiddo. And like I said, you can call me Carmilla. Lady Karnstein is my mom.

Laura nods and Carmilla takes the time to observe the girl. She wears a red dress, matching both her cheeks and Carmilla’s dress.

They walk inside the dining hall and sit down at the table. LaF and Perry walk to them a few minutes later.

“I thought the staff has to eat somewhere else.” She smirks.

Perry looks insulted and LaF laughs. “They’re my friends. So they can eat here. Danny and Kirsch too.” She points to the two guards walking in, looking they were bickering for a few hours already. Danny sits down and looks disgusted at Carmilla.

“Lady Dark and Broody is still here?” She groans.

Laura gives her a punch on the shoulder. “Hey, I like Carmilla.”

“Lady Dark and Broody” smiles to herself. _This girl is so stupid and naïve. This will be so easy. Just stab her when she doesn’t expect it and go._

Kirsch sits down next to Danny. “I like the hottie too.”

Carmilla punches him playfully. “I’m your best friends sister. Don’t call me that.”

Danny looks shocked at first, then she smiles a little. “You’re Will’s sister? That explains a lot.” She shrugs.

“I guess you don’t like my brother? You’re not the first. Although you’re not really my type of friend either.” She tells Danny, agitated at her. _This strong guard protecting the girl. It will be more difficult then I thought. I probably have to kill her._ Carmilla shrugs. She doesn’t care about people anyways.

Ell enters her mind again, never really leaving it. She loves her so much. She misses her so much.

She jumps up from her thoughts when she realizes Laura is poking her. “What?” Carmilla asks, a little agitated Laura drags her from her dream.

“Oh… Sorry Carmilla. I just wanted to ask you if you want to meet the other guests. Most of them are boring old people, friends of my dad. But there are some nice people our age. I know for sure you’ll like them.” She rambles.

Carmilla presses a finger on Laura’s lips. “Hush, cutie. You talk a lot.” Carm laughs while Laura blushes.

“So you come?” Carmilla hears Laura ask but before she can answer the tiny girl already drags her across the castle. _She sure has a lot of stamina for a little girl. Curious what she can do with that._

Laura opens the door of the ballroom, pushing Carmilla inside.

The black-haired girl looks up and sees it is completely crowded with people. Nothing Carmilla isn’t used to though.

Laura drags her to a bald, well-dressed young man. “This is J.P.” She says.

The young man stretches his arm for Carmilla to shake but she ignores it.

Laura doesn’t look amused and stares angrily at Carmilla. “Carm.”

Carmilla frowns and shakes his hand, immediately trying to walk away again.

“He’s the person who donated all the books to our library.” Laura tells her.

Carmilla laughs. “Who is his right mind would donate all his belongings?”

J.P. shrugs. “I’m really rich.” He winks at Carmilla. “And I get a lot out of the library deal with the lord.”

Carmilla makes a throw up sound and starts to walk away again. Laura quickly runs after her. “Carmilla, wait!”

Carmilla swiftly turns around. “Listen, darling. I don’t like your friends.”

Laura pouts. “Sorry, Carmilla. I thought you enjoyed my presence.”

Carmilla creates a little smile. “I do, cutie. You’re really nice. I just hate social interactions.”

Laura nods. “Thanks. I understand.”

Carm smiles and walks away. In the corner of her eye, she sees a tall blonde girl walking towards them.

“Oh hey Elsie.” She hears Laura say. “Wait, Carmilla. This is Elsie.” She continues, but Carmilla doesn’t hear her. She saw a target.

Yeah, she has more targets besides Laura. People she needs to take out to make it easier to kill the tiny girl. This is one of them, a tall muscular bald guy named Hugo. He is one of Lord Hollis’ secret guards. Those people are supposed to stay invisible. Laura doesn’t know of their existence and Hollis only speaks to them once a month. _He will realise the guy is gone when Laura’s body is already cold._

She slowly follows him. The other girl will keep Laura occupied. Laura doesn’t know this was the plan. She doesn’t know Elsie is one of the Silas assassins.

Carmilla swiftly follows him, finding cover at every corner before continuing. This Hugo guy won’t suspect anything until her knife is burrowed deep inside his heart.

Carmilla stops at the fourth corner. _This sure is a big place._

She sees Hugo talk to one of his subordinates and grabs her knife out of a special case between her left leg and the inside of her dress.

She slowly walks towards him when the guard is gone. Hugo turns around when he hears her.

“Lady Karnstein, what is a young lady like yourself doing here, all alone?” He asks softly.

Carmilla sighs. Some guys are so naïve, Thinking she’s so innocent. That’ll be the last mistake he ever makes.

“Nothing. Just wandering around.” She answers in a childish voice.

Carmilla stops in her path, looking at Hugo. She sees him looking at her body, licking his lips. _Disgusting prick._

She walks closer to Hugo, in a seductive way. This is the only way.  He already spotted her.

She is now almost on stabbing distance. He will definitely block her right now if she stabs him

She hides the knife behind her leg. He doesn’t see anything. He is way too busy with his breasts.

She acts like she wants to walk past him. He grabs the black haired girl, his face close to hers.

“You’re really cute. You know that, lady Karnstein?’ He says, grin on his face.

“I know.” She seductively whispers back. _This is going really well. He is all mine._

He leans in. Their faces are now on kissing distance. Instead of kissing her, he moves his face to her ear. “You know the things I would do to you?” He whispers, trying to be seductive but sounding like a mass murderer.

Carmilla just winks at him.

Hugo bites her ear. “So, milady. What are you capable of?” He strokes Carmilla’s arm. Carmilla tries to not throw up. “What do you come with?”

Carmilla grins, leaning in. She acts like she’s going to kiss him, then evades his mouth in the last second and goes for his ear. She bites his ear, softly. “I come with knives.” She whispers seductively.

Before Hugo realises what she said, she bites his ear harder and rips it off in one go.

The moment Hugo starts to scream she shushes him by shoving her hand in his mouth. She doesn’t care about being quiet anymore. He tried to kiss her. Now it’s war.

She grabs her knife, firstly stabbing his stomach. Carmilla hears someone walk through the hallway, attracted by Hugo’s muffled screams. She kisses his lips, but opens her mouth and bites really hard on his lip and then his tongue. He keeps screaming muffled sounds.

The second stab is for his balls. The third and last is for his throat.

She lets the body fall and walks to the next corner. From the shadow she sees the guard he was talking with 5 minutes ago walking to her.

 _The corner isn’t sharp enough. I will never be able to kill him._ She thinks, stressing out.

Then she gets an idea. She cleans the knife with the tip of her dress. She needs a really clean knife for this.

She holds the knife up the moment the sun is on a good position. If she’s too early or too late, he will definitely see the knife.

The knife reflects the sun on the proper moment, shining it in the guard’s eyes.

He walks against the wall, not seeing anything. That’s Carmilla’s cue.

She walks up to him, stabbing him in the neck. He doesn’t make a sound.

She grabs the body and throws it out the window. She sees it land in the lake outside and grabs Hugo’s body. Nobody will find them, the upcoming month. She throws Hugo’s body out of the window and gets rid of the blood on her dress.

\---

A few minutes later, Carmilla enters the great ballroom again. Laura immediately rushes to her.

“Carmilla. Where have you been?” She shouts, trying to catch a breath.

Carmilla laughs at the tiny blonde girl. “I needed some air. I don’t like ballrooms.”

Laura frowns. “ Don’t you like dancing?”

Carmilla smiles weakly. The last time she danced was with Ell, so obviously no. But she can’t tell Laura that, so she keeps her mouth shut.

Laura grabs Carmilla’s hand, dragging her to the center of the ballroom. “Then you’re going to dance with me.” She smiles.

Carmilla tries to run away, but the other girl won’t let her.

Laura holds Carmilla’s shoulder with one hand, her other hand in Carmila’s hand. “You know how to waltz?” She asks softly.

Carmilla nods. “I do. Don’t worry.” She moves Laura swiftly through the crowd.

It actually feels good. She doesn’t know if it is the killing or the girl, but for the first time since Ell’s death she’s happy again.

_It’s probably the killing. This girl doesn’t mean anything to me. She’s just another victim._

But then she looks into Laura’s eyes and slowly starts to doubt it.

 

She doesn't know it yet but she starts to fall for her target, again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to get feedback.  
> Tumblr: all-my-ships-are-dead


	4. Too Much to Deny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter where Carmilla starts to realise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Selfharm.
> 
> I was really busy the last few months. I'm finally back. Planning to update all my fics.

How the fuck did it come to this. She fucked up big time. She’s in to her neck. She can’t do this any longer. She thinks she’s falling in love with Laura.

How the fuck did this happen.

\---

She woke up, still flustered from the waltz. _Laura’s waltz._

She grabbed a tank top and suspenders. She still needs to seduce Laura. She learned that’s the best way to kill someone.

Also the most dangerous, for herself, not for the victim. Which seems funny.

She leaves her room. The first thing she sees is the girl, standing before her.

 _Not now._ She thinks, but forces herself to smile. She knows how to force a smile. She did it her whole life. Every second of it. Except when she was with her…

Laura immediately hugs her. Carmilla takes a step back and without saying anything she walks away. She can’t do this.

Laura runs after her. “Carmilla, what’s the matter with you?”

“Don’t bother, Hollis.” She groans.

Laura looks hurt and frowns. “Whatever I did. I’m sorry. Can I help?”

Carmilla sighs. She needs to befriend this girl, not scare her away.

\--- 

Laura frowns at Carmilla. _This broody girl is so strange. It’s a strange thing to think this is Lady Karsteins’s daughter. She’s nothing like her. She’s so open. Carmilla is so closed. Like she’s hiding something_. Laura met Lady Karnstein once. On her dad’s previous birthday parties.

She turns to Carmilla. “If you keep being broody, I like your mom better.” She sighs.

Carmilla gives her a weak smile in return. Her mom, always good with keeping a mask. Acting like everything is great. Like she’s so normal. Wait till they figure out she’s a master assassin. She will kill them all. Watch them bleed to Death.

Carmilla became a lot better at the same trick. Acting like everything is great. Acting like she’s normal, and happy, and not filled to the brink with sin. Little did Laura know that Carmillla was doing exactly that. Hiding something. “Okay. I won’t.” She forces herself to laugh. It works. Laura doesn’t expect a thing.

Laura smiles back at her. Carmilla has a nice smile. She always thought the rare smiles were the prettiest. Danny is also not famous for smiling.

She barely thought about Danny or she walks around the corner, nearing the other two girls. “Hey, milady.” She smiles. Danny looks at Carmilla, obviously annoyed. _Same here. S_ he thinks. Danny just doesn’t like the raven-haired girl. Something about her feels off. She doesn’t know what Carmilla’s intentions are. She definitely wants something from Laura. But it isn’t clear what. One moment it seems like she wants to choke her _(not in that way)_ , two seconds later it looks like Carmilla wants to kiss Laura. Mysterious girl…. There’s only one way to find out. Danny pushes Laura against the wall and plants her lips on Laura’s.

Carmilla looks at Laura, Danny’s lips on hers. She pushes her against the wall and kisses her, surprising even Laura. “I wanted to do this for years.” Danny whispers, brushing Laura’s hair to the side. 

And then she felt something. Something she didn’t feel in a long time. She usually only felt it on one occasion.

When her mom was giving all her kids attention. All of them except Carmilla.

She felt jealousy. She felt jealousy when Danny grabbed Laura, a arm around her waist, and kissed her again. Kissed her like Carmilla wants to be kissed. Laura stood on her toes and kissed her back. Carmilla just stood there, not even imagining herself to be the one Laura kissed.

Just cursing herself. She can’t love her victim. She can’t lose Laura. She can’t lose her victim. _She can’t lose her victim._ That thought again. She wasn’t supposed to think that. This is bad.

It doesn’t matter though. She’s with Danny. She can’t ever be with Carmilla. Maybe killing her is the better option. That way she can evade heartbreak. That’s the good thing about Carmilla. She doesn’t care about other person’s feelings (At least that’s what she tells herself).

She turned around, leaving the room. Leaving these petty girls to their self. She only cares about one girl: Ell. She tells herself that.

She enters her room, ignoring everyone around the door. Normally she lets all her anger out on those kinds of guys. That’s why guards always mysteriously vanish at her mom’s castle.

She sits down on the chair in front of her mirror and looses the suspenders and throws them on the bed. She takes her shirt of, wearing a black bra underneath. It’s not the most comfortable but it also works as a kind of armor, protecting her upper body.

She sighs, taking a breath. She smiles and strokes the mirror with her finger.

It opens with a flick. Special kind of mirror. It isn’t a coincidence she got this room. The window has a good look on the outside. Her room is almost in the center of the castle. And she has this kind of secret vaults.

She stares at the inside of the mirror, trying to decide which weapon she will use.

She grabs a knife, not that big but really sharp. She is used to this. Her mom did this to her a lot. She called it “The Purging of Body and Soul”. It’s a common ritual in their guild. When someone makes a big mistake they cut their hair off to symbolize the cleansing of their mind. She twirls the knife between her fingers, grabs her hair, and cuts it off in one go.

She looks in the mirror. The haircut is perfect. Completely linear.

She grabs another knife, a really small one.

She drags it across her skin, making small rips.

Drops of blood fall on the ground, painting it red. She hates this so fucking much. But it’s required for the cleansing. For her redemption. She needs to “cut the bad parts away from her” so it can heal and can be replaced by new cleaner parts.

She looks down, at the scars of the previous times. Not all of them are because of “the Purging”.

She often wanted to die in the past. Before she had Ell. Before she had Laura.

She hits herself in the face. _Don’t think of Laura. You need to clean yourself of these thoughts._

It’s funny. Her mom purged her daughter so many times, but she never got rid of the “bad thoughts”. The thoughts where she saw girls, dreamed of girls.

It’s ironic. The more times her mom tried to cleanse her, rip her apart, the stronger she became. She liked a few girls in the past. But she never did something with them. But then there was Ell. The beautiful, tall, blonde girl. The girl who made her feel better. Even when her mom beat the utter shit out of her. Especially then. Ell was the girl who really “Purged” her. Who made her feel better. Who made her feel like someone else then “Lady Karnstein’s disappointment of a daughter”.

 _I miss her._ She realized, tear rolling from her cheek.

_How did I get here? How did I get in this shit hole?_

“Take me back to the start.” She whispers as a combination of blood and tears explodes on the carpet and her mind goes back.

 It all goes back to the night. The first night. The night everything changed. The night she met Ell. The night she screwed everything up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Flashback time.
> 
> I like to get feedback.  
> Tumblr: all-my-ships-are-dead

**Author's Note:**

> I like to get feedback.  
> Tumblr: all-my-ships-are-dead


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